I still stare at Harry & am amazed that he is our creation. That he grew inside of me!! Hair, eyes, ears, nose, toes! It’s truly amazing what the human body is capable of. Who the hell designed us? Someone pretty damn clever.
It’s been a big adjustment this motherhood thing, not to mention the breast feeding, isn’t that supposed to be easy? They just latch on and drink??? Like in the movies? That’s been one of my toughest challenges yet.. is he getting enough? Is he hungry? Why is he fussing? It’s a scary thing trying to figure out these miniature humans, what they want & if they are ok. I’m a stress head & I NEED him to be ok all of the time, it can be so consuming. I take my hat off to the mothers that are home alone all day with no help… I am so lucky to have the help of my mum & dad when Tom is at work. I have had a few freak out episodes & passed him over when I got really overwhelmed, I feel for people who can’t do that.
I can’t believe it’s nearly been 4 months. It feels like yesterday we met him for the first time. Days used to drag, now they are gone in the blink of an eye. It’s true when people say babies are ‘time wasters’. I spend half my day just staring at the kid.
Seriously how much washing can one baby have? I hardly ever did washing before I fell pregnant but then I decided I needed to get my shit together. Mum always did it for me. Now it feels like I’m doing washing for half of China. Nightmare situation. I sound like a brat!
I get so overwhelmed sometimes if I think into how much Harry is dependent on me. Like, he can’t actually live without me. I am responsible for another human being, entirely. How scary is that??! I always get worried I’m not doing enough for him, or if I could be doing better in different situations, this probably stems from my anxiety & probably just a natural thing for a mother to think about. I’m sure others can restate, but at times getting lost in my own thoughts I’m convinced I’m batshit crazy.
Being one of the first people out of my close friendship group to have a baby it’s been difficult to adjust. Pre baby I was out drinking most weekends, no responsibilities, completely selfish because then I could be. Saturdays are still hard for me, wondering what everyone is doing, what I was doing just a year ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing but my life has changed drastically, all of a sudden I had to ‘adult’. Not just start doing my own washing type adult, like really adult. Still trying to figure this gig out.
Last Saturday Tom had footy and my family all had things on, I had such an emotional day, it’s hard & days can be long by myself. It was a bad anxiety day but I got myself out of bed & around 3pm I went for a walk. The salt air is always good for me.
The sun was shining & everyone had a spring in their step. I walked past a group of people drinking on their balcony. Similar what i would have been doing just a year ago. I cried, not because I was unhappy with my life & wanted to be doing that but because at times like that I realise just how much my life has changed. It’s like it’s an end of a chapter & sometimes I do miss it. Being care free you know? I always wake up with a spring in my step on a Sunday though. Not groggy from the night before. Winninggggg.
I have met so many amazing mamas & different people on on Instagram, some going through the same thing as we did with Harry, some just going through the motions of motherhood. I love meeting new people!! It still fascinates me that I can connect with people all over the world with a touch of a button & share all our different experiences.
Until my next rant ✌🏻❤️